Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved Page 24

  One night, under the stars, he took the one thing from her that she prized above all else. A thing a girl would never admit she’d given away, not even to her own self. And it happened a time or two more, but she believed she was in love. It didn’t take long before the rendezvous and fantasy teen romance burned out like a fire in the woods after a torrential storm. Soon, her clothing began to fit tighter and she was filled with insurmountable fear and shame. To make matters worse, when she told Ronnie of the news, he disappeared, like a shadow once a bright light is shined upon it.

  One moment he was scorching the night air with his rough elegance, next, he left a smoldering, shameful stench and only a whisper of his name. She was stuck, her virtue gone, and indignity fell upon her. She’d been Daddy’s little girl...and she was sure that status was in jeopardy. And she was all alone, for no one else was there to help in her time of need. Her own mother had died when she was only ten. She struggled to hide the hideous ways in which her body was changing, telling on her, as her stomach swelled a bit more each passing week. Meanwhile, she wondered about the retired doctor from Sweden that lived in Flint and gave cold, garage abortions... She’d heard the rumors of the bad girls seeking him out, but no, she was too afraid. Yet, she had to. Who could she trust? Who could she run to?

  Another month past, and most her clothing no longer fit. Luigi looked at her suspiciously over dinner one evening while their father read the paper and smoked his pipe, completely oblivious as the radio played low in the background. A lanky, auburn haired boy with quiet mannerisms, quick wit and a loving nature, Luigi took his little sister by the arm to a far corner of the house, and made her confess her sins. She did so tearfully, terrified, in explicit detail from the morning sickness, the missing father who’d run off after the news reached him, and no man from Sweden to be found...

  Luigi kissed his little sister on the top of her head and assured her that he’d find someone to help. If their father found out, he’d kill her, and the threat of that was quite real and almost scarier than the pregnancy itself. Their old man had only remarked playfully that she’d had plenty of cakes—never suspecting that it was a different baking bun altogether...

  No, not his little girl...she’d never do anything so vile.

  A week later, Luigi shoved a wad of cash into the old doctor’s hand and waited in the kitchen while she screamed with pain in the adjoining room. After a while, her brother carried her out of there, put her in his car and drove her shivering, traumatized self back home. He took care of her, telling their father she’d come down with an awful cold, and had to miss school. While their old man toiled away at his company, brother and sister sat together, making sure she didn’t bleed to death. Finally, the blood had stopped, the pain was gone, and she could walk with ease once more. Though the words were never spoken, she believed her beloved father treated her differently after that horrid ordeal. She’d never whispered a word to him, and knew her brother would never betray her in such a manner, but the glow in his eyes when he’d look at her was gone...

  A few years later, she met Tony, Dane’s father...and pretended to be the virgin bride he’d assumed her to be; surely not a young woman who’d become pregnant from a wayward street punk and did the unthinkable, the ‘no-no’ in Catholic law...snuff out the life of a child. Maria carried the guilt with her like a scarf around her neck, and it strangled her into submission. She walked around needing to make things right, to think that nothing bad would ever happen to her again, if she made sure the world around her was safe by simply pretending that all was well...

  Dane did her bidding, promised to never tell their father of what had occurred, even though he tried to assure her that Dad loved her so much, he would not hold this against her. She staunchly disagreed, and when he saw the trepidation in her eyes, he knew, he must never even insinuate that it should be addressed again, ever. He promised to let sleeping dogs lie, but then, the following year, he saw his father and his mistress, and that, too, would have to be a secret, for Mom couldn’t handle any more bad news, it would break her in two.

  He tucked it all away, and before he could catch his breath, Joseph confessed to him in an inebriated stupor, after they’d played a liquor game with their father’s beer stash, Playgirl magazines and a pack of old cigarettes, that he didn’t have a part-time job to help with the bills while Dad was away. He stated that wasn’t enough to keep them from all being out on the street, so instead, he was selling marijuana. The money had gotten good to him, and he thrived on his illicit business, still dealing long after Dad came back with the promise of a new job and a fresh start. Yeah, Joseph laughed and bragged about the gravy train that only got thicker and thicker until Dane had to bail him out of jail...another family secret he was sworn to keep to himself.

  He poured the pain into Josh’s ear after the final blow toppled him like a cinder block. The final aggressive hard hitting punch came from a woman named JoAnne, who knew her way around a Chrysler, as well as Daisy’s heart.

  That was it. Dane was then convinced that God was chasing him down, tormenting him, trying to make him do right, and bend...so he ran straight into the Lord’s arms, sober and certain he’d be finally delivered. Enough of the girls, parties, drinking and secrets all piled inside of him like rotting autumn leaves that molded, turning blacker and blacker until they died. He became a zombie, so he did what anyone in his predicament would do—he stopped running away, and instead, ran toward... He ran into the safe confines of the priesthood. Regardless of the haphazardly way it fell into place, he knew he was being called because that could be the only explanation for all that he had seen and endured. That one final straw had been life changing, the pivotal moment in which his entire world changed and he finally surrendered.

  His dilapidated world came crumbling down the rest of the way, on a fine spring day. The day he’d visited his little sister in college and her girlfriend popped over to tell him the damn truth—that they were in love and planning to get married...

  Daisy had lied, said the woman was only a friend and kidding, but Dane knew better. She’d tried to hide the relationship but the truth was, the woman who was madly in love with his little sister and refused to be hidden away like some filthy disease. She wasn’t ashamed, and figured out Daisy’s little hoax to keep her clean front before big brother came to pay a visit. Tired of being forced in the closet with her lover, she told on Daisy; let it all out with Dane. He’d stared at the woman as she confessed—her hair the same length as his, yet her features soft. He could see she loved his little pain in the butt sibling, and he respected that, regardless of his religious beliefs regarding the matter. She’d fallen hard for the petite head-turner, and wanted Dane and everyone else within earshot to know all about it. After it was over, JoAnne stormed away, angry and resentful of the stunt her lover had pulled.

  With sad eyes, just like their mother’s, Daisy begged him to keep it to himself. And then he got the same awful wails of despair from Joseph, when he called from behind the black, chipped paint of the jail bars with criminals willing to eat him alive. He needed to be bailed out and pleaded that nothing be said about his criminal activities then and forever. With the little money he had to his name, he made sure his big brother was released. Dane agreed to keep his secrets, even helping him find the right lawyer to get his record eventually expunged...

  And now—the same haunted, hollow look he’d just seen from his father, after Dane confessed to him that he knew about him and his whore. The woman he went around town with, hand in hand, laughing their cares away while he and his brothers and sister were collecting foreclosure notices and burning them in the fireplace for heat.

  Then, there was Anthony, who simply floated through life, detached from reality, just like their mother, but he was the sanest of them all, despite his four leaf clovers and grungy music. Nevertheless, he was a walking liability, and had no clue of the truth of the situation, nor a shared desire to be taught. The family was a stack of cards, and someth
ing from up above had blown the whole damn thing down.

  All the lies became too much, and the occasional nipping turned into an all-out alcohol induced stupefied love affair. The bottle became his best friend, and he loved it so as the liquid fire slid down his parched throat, sometimes straight from the glass bottle. The alcohol promised to make all the secrets go away, to make the dark thoughts dissipate in his head—so he surrendered to it. Let it slowly destroy him.

  Then his saving grace arrived, and he was saved. He owed God...God that loved him in spite of himself, and so, it was written—Bible passages, strange dreams, a willingness to let go and transcend the flesh, to become holy...

  He could help others; pour some of that energy into something positive, wrap it in the soiled cloth that covered Jesus’ beaten and bloodied body, nail it to the cross, sacrifice the pain and trade it in for something bigger, brighter and better. Oh yes, you could sell sins to the lowest bidder, you could sell the sins of others, take on their pain, let it ride on your broad back until it broke you down into nothing but ashes, and not only on Wednesdays...

  Shhhh....don’t say a word, don’t cry, don’t scream...simply help. Help and help and help, until you can’t help anymore, and then, help again, any ol’ how. Every face that turned his way, needed him. A prayer, a kind word, a donation...Help us Fr. Caruso! Help us, please! The voices grew louder and louder until he’d scream and gnash his teeth, praying for God to wipe it out, like a memory that was never meant to be. But instead, it only got worse...

  The loneliness crept in on its tippy toes, stole him away as if he were a rare jewel, stole him from his declaration, his promise. It had little to do with sex; it all had to do with love. For the past year, he’d kept it at bay, and then God drove the final nail in his hand—he took Josh away, his only slither of sanity, the one person he could depend on, the man that he’d emptied all of his pain into, confessed, and felt clean, whole and pure again. Did the secrets sleep with a corpse? No, they rose from the grave and came after Dane, telling him that he must take them back, let them live inside of his heart and consume him while his heart still beat. They’d returned for their pound of flesh, because he owed them. Yet, all of that did nothing but kill him inside, crush him under their weight.

  Because in the end, no one was happy, still. However, it was also understood that if he let the secrets fly free, that everyone would be unhappy. How can you go from ten to one, when you are already at negative ground zero?

  Shhhh....don’t tell, Mom got rid of her baby, the oldest sibling of them all...

  Shhh....don’t tell, Joseph sold drugs and liked it...and he took a few too....

  Shhh... don’t tell, you are an alcoholic, Dane...

  Shhh....don’t tell, Dad is screwing another woman and doesn’t give a crap about his family of five nor his damn self.

  Shhh....don’t tell, Daisy is a lesbian and would rather be unhappy and live a lie than let anyone find out the hard, honest truth.

  Shhh....don’t tell, because you promised...you promised us, Dane...

  He was trying to keep alive a dying ogre, a demon that demanded he give it CPR, every morning, noon and night. He hated how it smelled and begged and threatened, but he’d promised...he promised to make it all right, to make it all better. So he slept with the beast, so that no one else would have to...

  Dane was the protector, and that is what protectors do...but now, something had happened. He’d fallen in love, and he would be damned if he was going to continue to carry the burdens of others, leaving no room for Rhapsody in his heart. Things had gotten so crowded, he was suffocating. He wanted to offer her a mortgage there, deep inside him, and thus, he was prepared to swiftly issue an eviction to the demon that refused to budge. He picked up his crucifix and prepared to slay the ghastly vampire of secrets that had feasted on him for far too long, plunging it deeply into the heart of the creature. He heard the monster cry out, but its pain did nothing but please him as it fell helplessly, moaning, clawing on the disturbed ground of Calvary...

  He held his mother’s hand tightly as they sat there, emotions running high. The sun begun to set, giving one final show of lights. Filtering rays flickered through the trees, casting shadows along the lawn, beaming in front of them politely, bowing her heavenly golden head before closing her eyes for the evening.

  “So...who is she?” her voice broke the silence, but barely.

  “A singer, musician...a beautiful person.”

  A woman walked her dog down the street while Dane stared at the lady that gave birth to him, taking note of her laughter lines, and the beautiful eyes that were now swollen with tears.

  She smiled. “So, you really love her?”

  “Almost more than life itself...”

  A brief pause.

  “Okay.” His mother laughed nervously and slowly turned toward him. “Okay,” she repeated, smiling wider, another fat tear rolling down her tanned cheek. “So, my son, the priest, is in love...” She shook her head, still obviously trying to process it all.

  “I...want you to be happy.” Her voice quaked, but this time, Dane knew she meant the words. She grabbed him around the neck, bringing him down to her to embrace him like she needed it for her very survival. Something changed then, an understanding between them.

  The woman knew what it felt like to be in love—whether it was with a bad boy next door, who was too young to handle the responsibility of being a new father, or falling in love with a blue collar guy named Tony, who worshipped the ground she walked on, so much so, he took her father’s abusive words throughout the years, that he was no good for his daughter. So when he failed, he was afraid, and ran from her, too—the one woman he’d tried to always protect. It didn’t make sense, it hurt, but affairs of the heart are often not black and white. Things happen, people change...mistakes are made, but Dane understood now that running from the past never made the present a gift or the future brighter.

  He kissed his mother’s cheek and lightly laughed. “We can close our eyes, Mom, to all the things we don’t want to see, that none of us wanted to see, but we can’t close our heart to the things we don’t want to feel...”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Several hours later...

  Rhapsody kicked her feet up on the pillow she’d tossed at the bottom of the bed as she watched the small flat screen television in her bedroom. She pushed the bread pieces around on her saucer before casting it all to the side. She’d devoured the grilled cheese sandwich, but the half bowl of tomato soup had grown cold. The phone rang...

  “I want to see you.” His smooth voice came through the line, surprising her. She figured it wasn’t him as she hadn’t recognized the digits, and thought possibly it was a wrong number. Normally, she wouldn’t have answered at all, but she was in a generous mood.

  “Dane, you need to stop.” She looked at the time. “It’s a little late. Besides, you stood me up and didn’t bother to call.”

  “I know. I had a bit of a family emergency. You know I wouldn’t do that without good reason. I’m the one that is always early, you are the one running late.” He laughed.

  She grinned. He was right. “Hmmm, everything okay?”

  “Not completely, but it will be. I need to talk to you.” His breathing was deep and labored, as if he were trying to calm down and rest after a vigorous jog. Running her fingers along the spaghetti strap of her white nightgown, she thought about his proposal.

  “I won’t stay long,” he assured.

  “Oh.” She sighed. “Okay. I have to go to work early tomorrow so...”

  “I’ll be in and out.”

  She fought the sexual thoughts that tried to twist his words into something she could chew on, and just smiled.

  “Okay, see you in a bit...”

  ~***~

  Dane stepped out of the shower and pulled on a black shirt, followed by boxers and faded jeans. Freshly clean shaven, he winced as he splashed on a little cologne. He looked at the clock—it was late. He didn�
��t even bother to check after he’d spoken to his parents in detail regarding his vocational plans and called her from their house immediately afterward. The evening was tense, but it ended with a family embrace and an earnest attempt at understanding.

  Before long, he was standing outside Rhapsody’s door. He rang the bell and waited impatiently, his foot tapping and his hands on his waist.

  What is taking so long?

  A light turned on inside, and he saw movement through the front window. He walked closer to look inside, his nerves getting the best of him. The sheer curtains were layered, so he peered harder, cupping his hands around his eyes as he leaned into the window. A figure, long and lean, approached the door and he quickly stood at attention, pretending he’d not just been a peeping Tom. She opened the door and stood there, looking stunning, her thick black hair hanging about her shoulders and her prominent cheekbones glistening as if gold dust had settled upon her magnificent face. Her bottom lip, full and shiny, drew his gaze, made him long to kiss her. He smiled down at her, and she cracked a grin, then a laugh, as he presented her with a large bouquet of purple and white ombre orchids.

  “Oh my goodness.” She smelled the flowers, inhaling deep, pleasure on her face. “They are beautiful and smell so good. Come on in.” As she moved out of the way, her silky white gown moved over the curves of her body. He walked in, shooting her long shapely legs a look out the corner of his eye. He sighed, rubbed his hands together and smiled at her, not even sure where to begin.