Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved Read online

  I’m a little tired today, but I did think of you inappropriately...well hell, I’m only human.

  She gave free rein to the thoughts in her head, let them roam freely, and relished in her silliness.

  Why do you keep coming to this park, sitting in that same spot, looking the same way? Why do you smile at me more times than not? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were looking for me... It could be just wishful thinking...That’s just what I need, to get a crush on an unemployed drunk...

  She turned away from him and returned to the grass, stretching her arms high above her head. She closed her eyes, mediating, enjoying the sounds of the water and people going past. In her mind, it was just her, all by her lonesome. Today was her ‘staycation’ that she’d promised herself. She planned the type of dinner she’d make that evening, and what she’d watch on television, and the new song she’d practice...and the calls she needed to make...oh yes, and the emails! Don’t forget the emails...

  But then, he touched her...

  Before she even had the chance to fix her face and look casually over her shoulder, she felt his fingertips run smoothly across her shoulder blade. She knew it was him before she even looked up, and their eyes met. She squinted in the sunlight, and used her hand as a visor. He stood there for a moment, looking down at her, smiling so beautifully. She offered her own smile, hoping it wasn’t too big or too small. No, this needed to be like Goldilocks...fit just right.

  “Hi.” He grinned. “I come here all the time and I see you,” he shrugged, “and it’s just rude for me to not say anything. I also have a confession, but before I get into that, I want you to know that the goofy guy that sits on that bench,” he pointed to the area behind him, causing her to lightly laugh, “is named Dane Caruso.”

  The breeze caught his scent, and she got to know him even better.

  He smells like laundry soap, fresh dry cleaning and incense...

  “Well, it is nice to meet you, Dane Caruso.” She extended her hand upward, feeling the warmth of his palm as he wrapped his hand gently around hers. They held each other’s gaze, and she wasn’t for certain what to make of it. Up closer now, she could see amazing details in his features—a small beauty mark by his earlobe, a probable chicken pock scar near his clean shaven chin, bringing more attention to the slight cleft... She found clefts sexy, reminded her of Superman. Upon even closer inspection, she saw a small hole in his earlobe, must’ve been the remnants of a piercing. He bent a little lower, as if he were trying to figure out something, read her mind. This brought her attention to his unbelievably thick, dark brown lashes that curled at the ends, almost as if they’d been dipped in mascara.

  The man is not just good-looking, he is kinda pretty...Unsettling.

  Before she could ask the question, he did it for her. “You look familiar.” He smiled. “That’s not a line, I’m serious. May I ask what your name is?”

  “My name is Rhapsody Blue.”

  His brows furrowed and he looked confused. Then, his expression eased and he grinned. “What high school did you go to?”

  “Stevenson High, home of the Spartans!” she said with pride.

  Dane shook his finger at her. “That’s where I’ve seen you before! What year did you graduate?”

  “Class of 2002,” she offered, slightly unnerved that she didn’t remember him from there. She thought it may have been from a dream or just out and about.

  “Okay, I was 1999; you were a freshman when I was a senior more than likely. Big school, but I knew you looked familiar.” His eyes hooded. “Rhapsody Blue, huh? Interesting name.”

  A pause.

  “I would love to hear this confession of yours,” she said.

  He helped her to her feet. After patting off the grass from her knees and calves, she stood straight and crossed her arms. She was prepared to hear his pick-up line, to render it silly and meaningless, but give him a C for effort. Yes, he was pre-graded.

  “My confession is.” He clasped his hands together and gave her a lopsided smile. That mischievous expression she’d seen a time or two flashed across his face, but only for a moment. “I eavesdropped on you. I heard you singing one day here and you have a beautiful voice.”

  Taken off guard, Rhapsody hesitated. She did hum and sing words from time to time, but she didn’t remember seeing him during her park concerts and serenades.

  “Well, thank you.”

  As he slid his left hand into his jean pocket, the wedding band glimmered and she winced. But hey, the man hadn’t asked her out, or done anything inappropriate...yet.

  Settle down. No need to jump on his case but what a damn bummer. Married...

  “It was a couple weeks ago or so.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know the name of the song. I just heard you singing, well, humming, then you sang. It was raining...”

  “You were there? Did you have your head covered with a hood, possibly?”

  “Yeah,” he answered sheepishly, “I’m not a stalker or anything.” He laughed lightly as he rocked back on his heels. She enjoyed watching him squirm. She remained silent, stretching it out.

  I may as well get something out of this. He is already taken. At least a laugh can be enjoyed.

  “Um, well.” He looked around, looking embarrassed.

  Okay, I’ll be nice.

  “Thank you so much, I love to sing. I’m a singer actually, and I teach the piano.”

  He smiled.” Wow, like, at a school? Elementary or high school?”

  “No, I actually teach at Davenport University, part time. I give singing lessons, too...and do vocal coaching...and do gigs all over the country.”

  “Well, that explains it!” He laughed, showcasing nice, natural white teeth. “I know how to play the piano, but it’s like ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ level.”

  She burst out laughing.

  I’m sure it isn’t that bad.

  “I won’t keep you, but I keep seeing you and, well, I thought it was time that I say hello and introduce myself. Now I know we are alumni from the same alma mater. I almost feel like I know you at this point.” He extended his hand and shook hers gently, lingering a wee bit too long. She pulled back, feeling uncomfortable.

  “Well, it was nice to meet you. See you again, Mr. Caruso.” She forced a smile before turning away, her signal that he was now free to leave.

  Mr. Married Man, flirting like the asshole that you are. I wonder how your wife would feel about this. What nerve, I gave you a chance...holding my hand like that...looking at me like that. I am so glad I am done with dating right now, anyway. Men! I swear. This is another example as to why!

  She rolled her eyes.

  “You can just call me Dane, or if you insist on being formal,” she shot him a look from over her shoulder, her lips twisted in a frown—warning him ever so subtly to be on his way, “Fr. Caruso will suffice.”

  Then he backed away from her with a wave and disappeared toward the walking trail, leaving her blushing, embarrassed and soon after, laughing out loud at her own misguided assumptions...

  ~***~

  “So how much is left?” Daisy pushed her hands into Dane’s chest, shoving him against the kitchen counter. “I wouldn’t ask if we didn’t need it, Dane. I mean, that was a lot of money...surely the church and you didn’t burn through it that fast.”

  Dane walked around her and entered their parents’ dining room. He looked down at the neatly laid flatware and the matching tumbler glasses. Mom was always so particular about the settings. The smell of baked chicken permeated the house, making his stomach loop with hunger pains. Daisy gently grabbed his arm, throwing a faux grin at him like beads during Mardi Gras...only he wasn’t catching.

  “I have put the money away, Daisy and will distribute it as needed. I have no idea how you and your husband could burn through twenty thousand dollars in this short period of time but I am not giving you another red cent right now.”

  He jerked away from her, leaving her seething, he was certain.
He’d heard her urgent voicemails over the past few days. She’d even put their father up to calling a couple of times and he knew what had happened. She’d given her husband most of the money, and he’d gambled it away. Dane was rather surprised as he hadn’t realized that Rob’s gambling problem was this extensive, but it all made sense now—the second and third mortgages on their home, the repairs not being done. Of course, he’d been laid off and out of work for a few weeks, taking handy-man employment, but even before that, financial trouble had brewed and Daisy was a sucker for the man. He was a charming liar, shiftless and lazy, and this was the final straw. Dane turned to tell Daisy a thing or two but caught himself...

  Who am I to judge that man when I’ve sunken to an all-time low?

  He’d been drinking again, nipping here and there, but making sure to never get intoxicated. He even made excuses for the behavior, just like in years past. What started the whole tangled, dirty ball of dependency rolling again was when Josh had told him he had cancer. Dane hadn’t touched a bottle in years. Even when offered beer at the festivals, he always declined, though at times, it had been tempting. This last event, however, had sent him over the edge and he was having a hell of a time controlling it. The first time this happened, he’d got off the sauce cold turkey. Other types of liquor were much easier to get away from because he didn’t like them as much, and they didn’t give him the feeling he was looking for.

  Back in college, he’d first started to try and cope...and then he started liking it, really liking it. It got to the point that he’d wake up thinking about it. The drinking replaced football, his girlfriend and even, to some degree, Josh. It definitely replaced family—he’d retreat, withdraw and alienate.

  Now he needed to stop again—he could do it. He needed to get dry and he had to address it as soon as possible before it got further out of control.

  “Look, Daisy.” He sighed. “I know you love Rob, I understand that, but can’t you see what’s happened here? If you need any more money, Rob first needs to get some help for his gambling addiction, and then, and only then, we can talk about money.”

  In response, she glowered, her eyes becoming blue slits. She was no longer Daisy, but hatred in a pretty dress.

  Just like Mom—defend wrong-doing to the death if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Yes, today I am disagreeable.

  He shook his head and took a seat, waiting for the rest of the family—kids, brothers, brother-in-law and parents to join them. All throughout the dinner, Dane made small talk and laughed with the rest of them, playing it cool while inside, he felt raw with worry for his predicament. He was craving his lady...Occasionally, he’d catch Daisy cutting a sinister stare his way, but she finally stopped once he looked back at her and gave her a non-verbal warning to cut it out. Shaking his head, he cast a glance at Rob who sat in his chair, his back slumped, his expression one of sheer defeat.

  No, I am not bailing you out, again. It would be a disservice.

  He’d already seen what had happened. They’d whispered to each other all night; he wanted to know if she was getting the money and once she delivered the unexpected answer, he, too, started aiming pitiful looks at Dane.

  After Dane and Anthony helped their mother clear the table, it was time to leave. At the front door, Dane felt a hand on his shoulder.

  “Dane, I need to speak to you.” His mother’s soft voice cut through the quiet like a small pebble rolling across the hardwood floor. Suddenly, he heard piano music playing...someone had put on a CD. He listened closer, trying to identify the familiar tune.

  “Dane?”

  “Uh, yes, Mom, what is it?”

  She sighed and ran her hands along her apron. “Daisy really needs that money. Rob has gotten them into an awful mess and... they may lose their house now,” she pleaded with every fiber of her being. He knew what she was really saying...

  “Dane, you have the chance to keep everything peaceful and perfect...please help us keep this charade going. Please help us keep the dollhouse intact.”

  The music grew louder, “Chopin... fantasie impromptu...”

  “Excuse me?” his mother asked, her brows slightly furrowed.

  “That’s what’s playing...that’s the song that’s playing.” He pointed toward the CD player.

  His mother grinned. “I never took you for a classic music lover. I just turned on the radio is all. I have a mountain of housework and you know how I like to listen to music as I do my chores. It makes it go by faster.”

  “I’d forgotten all about this song. I remember in high school the orchestra playing it over and over for practice. They were going on a trip to Paris, and wanted to get it right. My locker was right by the music room, and it drove me crazy, but I knew this song all right, chord for chord.” He shook his head as the memory filled him with calm warmth.

  High school...

  “Yes, well, back to what I was saying...you see,” she began again. Dane couldn’t hear her as he listened intently to each note. The rhythm reminded him of Rhapsody’s singing that rainy day in the park...as if she were singing to that very piece of music, the tempo similar. Something stirred in his chest, but his mother kept pulling him into reality.

  “Mom, look.” Gripping her arm, he bent down to meet the five-six woman almost eye to eye. “I know what you want, and usually, I’d do a lot of things to make you feel okay, to make it better, but I can’t do that anymore, Mom. I’m a hypocrite right now, but I still know right from wrong and I—”

  “Dane, what are you talking about? Now listen to me, this is serious. You must!”

  “Mom, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I won’t enable her anymore. What I need to do is not keep throwing money to cover Daisy and Rob’s problems. And if I give them the money that is what I’d be doing, they’d just be back next week, and the week after that. When would it stop, Mom? When?”

  She got ready to protest in Daisy’s and her son-in-law’s defense, then her shoulders slumped in resignation.

  “That was just a small amount, Mom, compared to what I was going to do. I was planning to give her more, but I first needed to see if they could be responsible, to do the right thing with that, before going any further. And look what they’ve done! I have no idea what bookie or casino now has the twenty grand—but it’s gone, and though that was a small fraction of what I received, it still was a lot of money and they blew it. I don’t want to see anyone suffer, Mom, especially my own family, but...we have to learn. We have to love ourselves enough to learn and change. How can we appreciate the need for radical evaluation and the reward of sunshine if we never endure a cloudy day?”

  And with that, he kissed the top of his mother’s head, left her house, and got into his car, mixed emotions swirling deep inside of him. He’d never told his mother ‘No’ before, at least not in that manner, and he was certain she stood there in a whirlwind of confusion—probably exactly where he’d left her in the foyer, the music still playing. A part of it stung; he hated doing it, but he had no regrets.

  After a while of driving, his thoughts dancing all over the place, he pulled over to a curb by a city trashcan. He popped the trunk, got out of his car, and, without hesitation, removed the two six packs, slick with condensation that he’d purchased earlier. Gripping the brown, crumpled bags, the long green bottles inside clinking—his special lady—he made his way toward the can and dumped them.

  The street was dark and desolate, sprinkled with a few lit storefronts. Everywhere, business was closed and the occasional low drone of a car broke up the stillness. He got back inside his car and drove back home toward the parish. The evening would be hard, but an evening he had to have. Tonight, for the first time since Josh had passed away, he was going to be completely sober. Grief overwhelmed him, with Josh on his mind more times than not.

  The acting out, wanting to fit in and praying his mother would notice him as a child—to really see him for who he was—and not simply what she wanted him to be, a replica of her father—had poisoned him
. He needed to find a way to process it and make it right for himself, so he could begin to heal, this time, for good. It was hard to be mad at a lady who loved you so much; she’d give her life, no matter how twisted her thinking was, but he was going to have to try to find a way to forgive everyone, including himself. Time to accept everything, from start to finish. He hadn’t gotten this way overnight, and it would take longer than he’d cared to admit to work his way through it, but what was the alternative? He owed it to himself, he owed it to Josh... and he owed it to God. He wanted his life back, once and for all...

  ~***~

  “How ridiculous.” Melody, Rhapsody’s sister rolled her inky eyes and hugged the warm yellow mug of cocoa to her chest as she leaned lazily against their mother’s kitchen counter. “I mean, really, Rhapsody? When are you going to stop this music stuff, and do something else, something more? Something that lets you live more than from just pay check to pay check?” She shook her head, judgment dripping off her downturned lips.

  Screw you...

  “Excuse me?” Rhapsody said coolly. “Uh, my bills are paid and I can get most of the things I actually want, and more importantly, I love what I do. Worry about your own shit.”

  “Don’t get mad at me because I told your butt the truth! Your singing is just aiight,” she sighed melodramatically, “you aren’t all that, and besides, it can’t be a full time career.”

  “Mama made a career of it. She traveled all around the world singing with Stephanie Mills, Gladys Knight and Patti LaBelle.” Rhapsody looked into the pot of boiling pasta, adding a sprinkling of salt and pepper, teasing her wayward imagination into the thought of throwing the potful of steaming water right in Melody’s face.

  I wish they were grits, like what happened to Al Green. Now that is some singing to remember!

  “You ain’t Mama,” Melody muttered under her breath.

  “And you aren’t worth a damn, how ’bout that?!”

  “You two at it again?” their mother asked wearily as she entered, her light pink robe wrapped around her securely. “I haven’t been feeling well, this cold is at it again. Gonna sit down here for a sec and please,” she slumped in the wooden kitchen chair and closed her eyes, rubbing her head, “no screaming and yelling. You two never stop and I got a splitting headache.”